August 11, 2011

Yes my Saviour is keeping me.  My biggest fear when Michael passed away was that I would fall apart, away from God.  That I would sink and drown to the point of losing the ability to care for my children.  But no, He has promised that nothing no nothing could separate me from His love.  I have Christ, I am truly His, and His grip on me will never loosen.  What I do or don't do will never change who He is and what He has promised.  I may feel like my life is ruined and in shambles but I am His and He is mine.  I need not fear.
It has been almost 5 months now and I still miss my love more now than ever.  My mourning is still here, there are very few days of joy and many days filled with longing for heaven.  But in the midst of all these tears and sorrow my Saviour is with me holding me and keeping me.  What a wonderful God I serve full of loving kindness and grace. 
He continues to help me trust Him.  He does all the keeping.  My help comes from Him and Him alone.  What a wonderful comfort for my soul.

"He will feed his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm

and carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those who are with young."

Isaiah 40:11

August 3, 2011

It has been 4 months now since my love has gone home.  The ever present longing to be united in heaven with Michael is still with me.  It sometimes floods over me till rivers of tears pour out.  But, oh the grace of my sweet Saviour is still ever present to calm my heart and reassure my torn and tattered soul.
What would I ever do with out my Lord.  What a sweet presence He has been in my life.  Such a testament of how true and unwavering His Word really is.
What a paradox of feelings exist within me.  Sometimes the anger and questions of why well up, but just as His Word promises, He reels me back into Him and floods me with His love and promises to keep me.
It is not me that is holding fast to Him, it is his grip on me that has kept me from falling into the deep deep ocean of grief.  What a wonderful God I have.  All good really is from Him.  He does all the work, even when my weak and frail heart fights Him, He, like a loving and devoted Father holds me tight and whispers of His unfailing love fill my soul.

"We are not taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose, we are taken up

into God's purpose without any consciousness at all.  We have no conception of what

God is aiming at, and as we go on it gets more and more vague. God's aim looks

like missing the mark because we are too short sighted to see what He is aiming at.

At the beginning of our Christian life we have our own ideas as to what God's

purpose is and we go and do it and still the big compelling of God remains."

Oswald Chambers

June 28, 2011

"You will no more be afraid, you will sing His praise

in a better place.  A place that His hand has made."

Oswald Chambers

My God has created a new chapter in my life.  He has closed the old and what His hand has done no one can undo it.  I didn't choose this new life.  I don't know how to live it, how to be happy in it, or how to function in it.

The pain of missing my love sometimes seems to lessen and other times seems to overwhelm my frail soul.  Just to kiss and hug him one more time, to feel his strong hands on my back and hear his wonderful voice tell me he loves me and everything is going to be ok.

I long for the day that this painful ache won't be so painful anymore.

"They shall be My people and I will be their God, then I will give

them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the

good of them and their children after them.  And I will make an everlasting

covenant with them, that I will not turn away from doing them good;

but I will put My fear in their hearts so that they will not depart from me.

Yes, I will rejoice over them to do them good, and I will assuredly plant them

in this land, with all My heart and with all My soul.  For thus says the Lord:

Just as I have brought all this great calamity on this people, so I will bring on them

all the good that I have promised them."

Jeremiah 32:38-42

June 25, 2011

Twelve years ago today I married the love of my life.  God blessed me with a wonderful man who loved Him and was devoted to me.  There were so very many good things I could say about Michael.  He was good at everything he attempted. He was a man of integrity and you always knew that his yes was yes and his no was no.  He was the hardest working man I knew.  He was my life and I could have never imagined a life without him.  All of my good memories started with him, and seem to have ended with him.  He was the very best husband and father I have ever known.
I have really seen how very fragile life is how we really should live each day as the blessing it is, because our lives really are just a breath and then we are in eternity.
I see now how time is one of God's greatest gifts to us.  I think this is why He tells us to not worry about tomorrow.  When we waste our time worrying about what is not here we waste the time we have been given and once that time is gone, it is GONE, never can you get it back.
God is teaching me how to love and trust Him in all things.  In the good and what seems to be bad.  He is providing for me and the children and always making His goodness evident.  So I will continue to speak to my heart and tell it to trust Him with what is left of my life.
When the lonileness starts to well over me and sadness begins to tighten it's grip around the pieces of my heart, I will cry to my sweet Saviour who keeps all my tears in a bottle and who promises to be near to me.  And I will daily tell my needy sinful soul to wait on Him who is soverign, who holds my life and the lives of my children in His hand.
One day I will see happiness again and this pain will be a healed wound that will remind me of my God's unspeakable goodness and grace.  So until that day I will wait and trust that He will keep me.

June 11, 2011

God has poured grace upon grace once again.  He has provided a home for me and the children.
I had resolved myself to wait for God to provide the home He had for us, knowing that my time and God's time are hardly ever the same.  I hate to admit this but I thought "surely the good God has planned for me is not going to seem very good to me at the time.  I will either have to wait a very long time or the place He has for us will be a small cramped space that I will need to learn how to adjust to".  But God's good truly is GOOD.  He provided just what we needed and has given me the grace to not only be content with it, but to be over joyed and the attitude to say "How great and good my God is".  He blessed us even when my attitude would have warranted something much worse.
Now having said how very thankful and excited I am to be in our own home again, I am also apprehensive and scared that I won't be able to manage it properly.  What a heavy load I now bear by myself, now that my sweet love is gone.  I have 4 lives that I am solely responsible to raise and now a home and finances to take care of. 
I will take all of this to my heavenly Father whose promises are always true and He has never failed me nor will He ever forsake me. 

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light"

Matthew 11:28-30

In all of my years as a Christian, I have never had such a great need to take God at His Word.  My survival now hinges on resting on His Word.  Why did it take such great tragedy to bring me to this need and closeness?  A friend told me right after Michael passed away, when we go home, we will no longer ask why, but we will be able to say Oh that is why.

So I will continue to praise His goodness towards me always trusting His promises, relying on Christ to keep me from leaning on my own understanding.

June 6, 2011

Grief is my constant companion.  He goes with me wherever I go and is always careful to remind me that he is here.  Sometimes with little nudges and other times with loud screams that stab at what is left of my heart.  When I am at my worst I hear my Saviour calling me to stand, reminding me of His faithfulness.  So I will keep holding onto my Christ.  My Redeemer who shed His own blood for my soul.
I know and believe wholly and completely that God will bind up my broken heart and joy will come in the morning.

Hymn

Standing on the promises of Christ my King

Through eternal ages let his praises ring

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises that can not fail

When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail

By the living Word of God I shall prevail

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord

Bound to Him eternally by love's strong cord

Overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises I can not fail

Listening every moment to the Spirit's call

Resting in my Saviour as my all in all

Standing on the promises of God

It really amazes me how very comforting and real God has made His Word to me.  What a sweet treasure we have, forever etched on paper, always available to soothe, comfort, and equip.  How well our Maker knows our needs and how ever willing and able He is to meet them.

June 2,2011

Another month has passed.  It has only been 2 months since my loving God took Michael home and it feels like eternity. 
In my humanness I just don't see how my poor heart will ever be healed.  How this vast great void and massive hole will ever be filled.
I still miss him horribly. I still HATE that he is gone.
Oh this sea of sorrow is so great and wide.  There seems to be no end in sight.  There is always the constant motion of sadness.  Then there are the big waves that are so huge and threatening.  I sometimes fear they will swallow me up.  But my Christ never allows that.  They come, they wash over me, and then they go.  I so wish to reach the shore of this sea that is wearing the pieces of my broken heart and seeming to dry up my soul.
But I will continue to hope in my Saviour, the One who truly knows my pain and the depth of my grief.    My healing and restoration can only come from Him.  So I will continue to trust the One who is trustworthy.  May I always cling to my Rock.  For He is my fortress and strong tower.  He will provide my rest and comfort.  In Him is my fullness of life.
Oh grace upon grace wash over me and precious Saviour keep my eyes fixed on You.