June 11, 2011

God has poured grace upon grace once again.  He has provided a home for me and the children.
I had resolved myself to wait for God to provide the home He had for us, knowing that my time and God's time are hardly ever the same.  I hate to admit this but I thought "surely the good God has planned for me is not going to seem very good to me at the time.  I will either have to wait a very long time or the place He has for us will be a small cramped space that I will need to learn how to adjust to".  But God's good truly is GOOD.  He provided just what we needed and has given me the grace to not only be content with it, but to be over joyed and the attitude to say "How great and good my God is".  He blessed us even when my attitude would have warranted something much worse.
Now having said how very thankful and excited I am to be in our own home again, I am also apprehensive and scared that I won't be able to manage it properly.  What a heavy load I now bear by myself, now that my sweet love is gone.  I have 4 lives that I am solely responsible to raise and now a home and finances to take care of. 
I will take all of this to my heavenly Father whose promises are always true and He has never failed me nor will He ever forsake me. 

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light"

Matthew 11:28-30

In all of my years as a Christian, I have never had such a great need to take God at His Word.  My survival now hinges on resting on His Word.  Why did it take such great tragedy to bring me to this need and closeness?  A friend told me right after Michael passed away, when we go home, we will no longer ask why, but we will be able to say Oh that is why.

So I will continue to praise His goodness towards me always trusting His promises, relying on Christ to keep me from leaning on my own understanding.

June 6, 2011

Grief is my constant companion.  He goes with me wherever I go and is always careful to remind me that he is here.  Sometimes with little nudges and other times with loud screams that stab at what is left of my heart.  When I am at my worst I hear my Saviour calling me to stand, reminding me of His faithfulness.  So I will keep holding onto my Christ.  My Redeemer who shed His own blood for my soul.
I know and believe wholly and completely that God will bind up my broken heart and joy will come in the morning.

Hymn

Standing on the promises of Christ my King

Through eternal ages let his praises ring

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises that can not fail

When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail

By the living Word of God I shall prevail

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord

Bound to Him eternally by love's strong cord

Overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises I can not fail

Listening every moment to the Spirit's call

Resting in my Saviour as my all in all

Standing on the promises of God

It really amazes me how very comforting and real God has made His Word to me.  What a sweet treasure we have, forever etched on paper, always available to soothe, comfort, and equip.  How well our Maker knows our needs and how ever willing and able He is to meet them.

June 2,2011

Another month has passed.  It has only been 2 months since my loving God took Michael home and it feels like eternity. 
In my humanness I just don't see how my poor heart will ever be healed.  How this vast great void and massive hole will ever be filled.
I still miss him horribly. I still HATE that he is gone.
Oh this sea of sorrow is so great and wide.  There seems to be no end in sight.  There is always the constant motion of sadness.  Then there are the big waves that are so huge and threatening.  I sometimes fear they will swallow me up.  But my Christ never allows that.  They come, they wash over me, and then they go.  I so wish to reach the shore of this sea that is wearing the pieces of my broken heart and seeming to dry up my soul.
But I will continue to hope in my Saviour, the One who truly knows my pain and the depth of my grief.    My healing and restoration can only come from Him.  So I will continue to trust the One who is trustworthy.  May I always cling to my Rock.  For He is my fortress and strong tower.  He will provide my rest and comfort.  In Him is my fullness of life.
Oh grace upon grace wash over me and precious Saviour keep my eyes fixed on You.

May 16, 2011

These past days and weeks have been so very difficult.  I feel Michael's absence growing like a big black hole that follows me wherever I go.
I look around at my life and it is as though a fierce fire has forced it's way through and incinerated everything in it's path.  There are only 5 lives standing in a mound of ashes.  How do you ever rebuild a life out of ashes?  They are dust.
I will continue to stand in these ashes with my 4 precious children until my faithful God moves us forward.
Oh how I know He will provide the grace and strength to stand.  My mind tells me that one day I will rejoice again, but my heart is so tattered and broken. 
So thankful that I am bound to my Saviour, for He will never let me go.

May 9, 2011

Mitchie and Ava's birthdays have come and gone with Mother's day and Easter.  Our first celebrations without my love.  My heart still longs for him.

"Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. 

For our heart shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in

His holy name.  Let your mercy, O Lord, be upon us,

just as we hope in You."

Psalm 33:20-22

I will continue to trust in my God and His word always trusting that His will for me and the children is good.  In time, I believe that He will restore my joy and my broken heart. He will continue to provide the grace and strength to press on.

April 25, 2011

God's grace and peace are truly wonderful, so deep and so wide.  What a different and new life I live now.  One filled with so much sorrow and loneliness and yet so comforted and full of God's peace.  How sweet my Saviour is.  What a blessed thought that my love is seeing Christ and beholding His glorious beauty.

"Do not go to wine for comfort in the hour of depression.  Above all things,

dread the intoxicating cup in all it's forms.  You need not even appeal

to friends for consolation.  What do they know about your inner sorrow?

There are seas of suffering that a sufferer must navigate alone.

No other sail is in sight"

Charles Spurgeon

April 21, 2011

Yes my great God is sustaining me and carrying me.  I am not overtaken.  My heart is shattered into so many pieces it seems as if it will never be able to be put together again.  I woke up the other morning thinking Michael would be home that day.  Oh to see his sweet face again and tell him I love him one more time and hear him say how he loves me too.  The tears seem to never stop and the sadness never goes away.

"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth and called from it's farthest regions,

And said to you, You are my servant I have chosen you and have not cast you away;

Fear not, for I am with you Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen

you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand"

Isaiah 41:9-10

Restoration will come and my winter will turn to spring.  My hope is in Christ.