It's been along time since I've been able to sit down and write about what my heart has been going through. Now that the time has passed I wish I would have pushed through the mud and recorded how God has been faithful to sustain me.
It has been 9 months now since Michael has gone home. Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. I went through all of the motions that the holidays bring all the while with Michael's absence lingering around never letting my heart and mind forget that I am without.
I decided to have my wedding ring and engagement ring separated so that I could wear them individually. The site of them both on my finger started to become a constant reminder that I am no longer "Michael's wife". I feel as if I lost so much of my identity. I still haven't really figured out who this new person is. The only part of me that remains is "child of God" and "mother of 4". So I'm going to focus on those. I have start to ask God to really let me enjoy every moment of the children's little lives. Because never again will Jace be 10, Ava 7, Davis 5, and Mitchie 3.
How amazingly loving and sovereign God is. He has forged a love affair with me and has answered my prayer that I prayed incessantly in the hospital all those nights with Michael. "Lord hold me tight, keep me tethered to your grace, never let me go."
He has done this. His keeping is so wonderfully sweet and gentle. I see God's healing now. I am not completely healed (not sure if I ever will be), but my heart is mending. I've tried to find the right words to describe what this healing of a broken heart looks like or even feels like, but I can't. Just like when my sweet Saviour was with me while my world was slipping away He is now mending my tattered heart. Even though my missing him and love for him hasn't diminished at all, the feelings of sadness and despair are not as strong as before. This is amazing grace!!!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
November 8, 2011
7 months without him . . .
Trusting God wholly and completely means that I have surrendered my life and everything I hold dear to Him. I feel like these past few years I keep saying over and over again "Yes, NOW He has taught me to trust Him and surrender all". It must mean that life here on this earth is a process of trusting Him. Part of the sanctification process He began in me the day He justified me and made me His child.
This is the life He had planned for me since the beginning of time. When He was forming me in my mother's womb my love story with my Saviour was already written, from beginning to end.
7 months have gone by since my Michael has gone home. What a wonderful gift he was to me. God gave him to me to love for almost 15 years. I've spent a lot of time thinking of how I could have been a better wife to him, how I could have encouraged him more, how I could have enjoyed and treasured my time with him more, the list is almost endless. But God always brings me back and reminds me of His love for me. His wonderful grace that would save such a sinner like me.
All my life I have been searching for this deep deep love that transcends all knowledge and that will go to unimaginable depths. And all my life my Saviour has been calling me to look to Him. He shed His own blood for my soul. That is the love my heart was searching for. He is my love story.
How true it will ring for us, that "one look on His face and everything will fade away". We only see as in a dimly lit mirror what it will really be like when we behold Him in all His glory.
Oh how unfettered my Michael must be right now. Fully beholding our Christ, basking in His love and holiness. Completely unrestrained from all sin and sickness.
Trusting God wholly and completely means that I have surrendered my life and everything I hold dear to Him. I feel like these past few years I keep saying over and over again "Yes, NOW He has taught me to trust Him and surrender all". It must mean that life here on this earth is a process of trusting Him. Part of the sanctification process He began in me the day He justified me and made me His child.
This is the life He had planned for me since the beginning of time. When He was forming me in my mother's womb my love story with my Saviour was already written, from beginning to end.
7 months have gone by since my Michael has gone home. What a wonderful gift he was to me. God gave him to me to love for almost 15 years. I've spent a lot of time thinking of how I could have been a better wife to him, how I could have encouraged him more, how I could have enjoyed and treasured my time with him more, the list is almost endless. But God always brings me back and reminds me of His love for me. His wonderful grace that would save such a sinner like me.
All my life I have been searching for this deep deep love that transcends all knowledge and that will go to unimaginable depths. And all my life my Saviour has been calling me to look to Him. He shed His own blood for my soul. That is the love my heart was searching for. He is my love story.
How true it will ring for us, that "one look on His face and everything will fade away". We only see as in a dimly lit mirror what it will really be like when we behold Him in all His glory.
Oh how unfettered my Michael must be right now. Fully beholding our Christ, basking in His love and holiness. Completely unrestrained from all sin and sickness.
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