It's been along time since I've been able to sit down and write about what my heart has been going through. Now that the time has passed I wish I would have pushed through the mud and recorded how God has been faithful to sustain me.
It has been 9 months now since Michael has gone home. Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. I went through all of the motions that the holidays bring all the while with Michael's absence lingering around never letting my heart and mind forget that I am without.
I decided to have my wedding ring and engagement ring separated so that I could wear them individually. The site of them both on my finger started to become a constant reminder that I am no longer "Michael's wife". I feel as if I lost so much of my identity. I still haven't really figured out who this new person is. The only part of me that remains is "child of God" and "mother of 4". So I'm going to focus on those. I have start to ask God to really let me enjoy every moment of the children's little lives. Because never again will Jace be 10, Ava 7, Davis 5, and Mitchie 3.
How amazingly loving and sovereign God is. He has forged a love affair with me and has answered my prayer that I prayed incessantly in the hospital all those nights with Michael. "Lord hold me tight, keep me tethered to your grace, never let me go."
He has done this. His keeping is so wonderfully sweet and gentle. I see God's healing now. I am not completely healed (not sure if I ever will be), but my heart is mending. I've tried to find the right words to describe what this healing of a broken heart looks like or even feels like, but I can't. Just like when my sweet Saviour was with me while my world was slipping away He is now mending my tattered heart. Even though my missing him and love for him hasn't diminished at all, the feelings of sadness and despair are not as strong as before. This is amazing grace!!!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
November 8, 2011
7 months without him . . .
Trusting God wholly and completely means that I have surrendered my life and everything I hold dear to Him. I feel like these past few years I keep saying over and over again "Yes, NOW He has taught me to trust Him and surrender all". It must mean that life here on this earth is a process of trusting Him. Part of the sanctification process He began in me the day He justified me and made me His child.
This is the life He had planned for me since the beginning of time. When He was forming me in my mother's womb my love story with my Saviour was already written, from beginning to end.
7 months have gone by since my Michael has gone home. What a wonderful gift he was to me. God gave him to me to love for almost 15 years. I've spent a lot of time thinking of how I could have been a better wife to him, how I could have encouraged him more, how I could have enjoyed and treasured my time with him more, the list is almost endless. But God always brings me back and reminds me of His love for me. His wonderful grace that would save such a sinner like me.
All my life I have been searching for this deep deep love that transcends all knowledge and that will go to unimaginable depths. And all my life my Saviour has been calling me to look to Him. He shed His own blood for my soul. That is the love my heart was searching for. He is my love story.
How true it will ring for us, that "one look on His face and everything will fade away". We only see as in a dimly lit mirror what it will really be like when we behold Him in all His glory.
Oh how unfettered my Michael must be right now. Fully beholding our Christ, basking in His love and holiness. Completely unrestrained from all sin and sickness.
Trusting God wholly and completely means that I have surrendered my life and everything I hold dear to Him. I feel like these past few years I keep saying over and over again "Yes, NOW He has taught me to trust Him and surrender all". It must mean that life here on this earth is a process of trusting Him. Part of the sanctification process He began in me the day He justified me and made me His child.
This is the life He had planned for me since the beginning of time. When He was forming me in my mother's womb my love story with my Saviour was already written, from beginning to end.
7 months have gone by since my Michael has gone home. What a wonderful gift he was to me. God gave him to me to love for almost 15 years. I've spent a lot of time thinking of how I could have been a better wife to him, how I could have encouraged him more, how I could have enjoyed and treasured my time with him more, the list is almost endless. But God always brings me back and reminds me of His love for me. His wonderful grace that would save such a sinner like me.
All my life I have been searching for this deep deep love that transcends all knowledge and that will go to unimaginable depths. And all my life my Saviour has been calling me to look to Him. He shed His own blood for my soul. That is the love my heart was searching for. He is my love story.
How true it will ring for us, that "one look on His face and everything will fade away". We only see as in a dimly lit mirror what it will really be like when we behold Him in all His glory.
Oh how unfettered my Michael must be right now. Fully beholding our Christ, basking in His love and holiness. Completely unrestrained from all sin and sickness.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
August 26,2011
Jace has been asking alot lately about moving back to our old home. I asked why he wanted to move back and he told me "even though dad is gone if we move back to our house and go back to our old school it will feel like our life is kinda like it used to be with dad". As the mounting sadness began to flood over me I realized that Michael was not just my home he was also my children's home. Our home was with him and this kind of severe devastation and great loss can only be healed by our great and ever able God. He reminded me that Christ is my home.
"Christ is wisdom and He is our deepest need. Our inner restlessness
can only be pacified by the revelation of His eternal friendship and love for us"
Margaret Bottome
"My home is God Himself. Christ brought me there.
Self effort failed and I was filled with fear, and then
I found Christ was the only way, that I must come to Him
and in Him stay. My home is God and sheltered there God meets
the trials of my earthly life, God compasses round from storm and strife
God takes the burden of my daily care. Oh wondrous place!
Oh Home divinely fair!"
Streams in the Desert pg 327
How wonderfully sweet and sufficient Christ is to fill all voids and meet all my needs. The more I trust Him the more He proves Himself faithful. The faster I run to Him the quicker He is to meet me. His grace and love are never exhausted. How comforting for my soul to know that He will never grow tired from my tears and His patience with me will never grow thin. I will not wear Him out with my inabilities and great needs. He has freed me from trying to find this comfort outside of Him. Restoration and healing can only come from Him. In not expecting this from others He has allowed to be blessed by the wonderful people He has placed in my life. It never ceases to amaze me to see how beautifully orchestrated God has created the body of Christ to work. How they weep with those who weep and come along side those who are weak and this was all designed by our great and compassionate God. When I married Michael my biggest fear was losing him. And then when he was diagnosed with high risk multiple myeloma my biggest fear was that when God took him home I would no longer love Christ because the anger and sadness would surely overwhelm me. But nothing, no nothing can separate me from His love. It is all Christ that keeps me fettered to Him and His grip on me can NEVER be severed.
Oh the the keeping of Christ is so very great and perfect.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
August 11, 2011
Yes my Saviour is keeping me. My biggest fear when Michael passed away was that I would fall apart, away from God. That I would sink and drown to the point of losing the ability to care for my children. But no, He has promised that nothing no nothing could separate me from His love. I have Christ, I am truly His, and His grip on me will never loosen. What I do or don't do will never change who He is and what He has promised. I may feel like my life is ruined and in shambles but I am His and He is mine. I need not fear.
It has been almost 5 months now and I still miss my love more now than ever. My mourning is still here, there are very few days of joy and many days filled with longing for heaven. But in the midst of all these tears and sorrow my Saviour is with me holding me and keeping me. What a wonderful God I serve full of loving kindness and grace.
He continues to help me trust Him. He does all the keeping. My help comes from Him and Him alone. What a wonderful comfort for my soul.
"He will feed his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm
It has been almost 5 months now and I still miss my love more now than ever. My mourning is still here, there are very few days of joy and many days filled with longing for heaven. But in the midst of all these tears and sorrow my Saviour is with me holding me and keeping me. What a wonderful God I serve full of loving kindness and grace.
He continues to help me trust Him. He does all the keeping. My help comes from Him and Him alone. What a wonderful comfort for my soul.
"He will feed his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm
and carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those who are with young."
Isaiah 40:11
August 3, 2011
It has been 4 months now since my love has gone home. The ever present longing to be united in heaven with Michael is still with me. It sometimes floods over me till rivers of tears pour out. But, oh the grace of my sweet Saviour is still ever present to calm my heart and reassure my torn and tattered soul.
What would I ever do with out my Lord. What a sweet presence He has been in my life. Such a testament of how true and unwavering His Word really is.
What a paradox of feelings exist within me. Sometimes the anger and questions of why well up, but just as His Word promises, He reels me back into Him and floods me with His love and promises to keep me.
It is not me that is holding fast to Him, it is his grip on me that has kept me from falling into the deep deep ocean of grief. What a wonderful God I have. All good really is from Him. He does all the work, even when my weak and frail heart fights Him, He, like a loving and devoted Father holds me tight and whispers of His unfailing love fill my soul.
What would I ever do with out my Lord. What a sweet presence He has been in my life. Such a testament of how true and unwavering His Word really is.
What a paradox of feelings exist within me. Sometimes the anger and questions of why well up, but just as His Word promises, He reels me back into Him and floods me with His love and promises to keep me.
It is not me that is holding fast to Him, it is his grip on me that has kept me from falling into the deep deep ocean of grief. What a wonderful God I have. All good really is from Him. He does all the work, even when my weak and frail heart fights Him, He, like a loving and devoted Father holds me tight and whispers of His unfailing love fill my soul.
"We are not taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose, we are taken up
into God's purpose without any consciousness at all. We have no conception of what
God is aiming at, and as we go on it gets more and more vague. God's aim looks
like missing the mark because we are too short sighted to see what He is aiming at.
At the beginning of our Christian life we have our own ideas as to what God's
purpose is and we go and do it and still the big compelling of God remains."
Oswald Chambers
June 28, 2011
"You will no more be afraid, you will sing His praise
in a better place. A place that His hand has made."
Oswald Chambers
My God has created a new chapter in my life. He has closed the old and what His hand has done no one can undo it. I didn't choose this new life. I don't know how to live it, how to be happy in it, or how to function in it.
The pain of missing my love sometimes seems to lessen and other times seems to overwhelm my frail soul. Just to kiss and hug him one more time, to feel his strong hands on my back and hear his wonderful voice tell me he loves me and everything is going to be ok.
I long for the day that this painful ache won't be so painful anymore.
"They shall be My people and I will be their God, then I will give
them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the
good of them and their children after them. And I will make an everlasting
covenant with them, that I will not turn away from doing them good;
but I will put My fear in their hearts so that they will not depart from me.
Yes, I will rejoice over them to do them good, and I will assuredly plant them
in this land, with all My heart and with all My soul. For thus says the Lord:
Just as I have brought all this great calamity on this people, so I will bring on them
all the good that I have promised them."
Jeremiah 32:38-42
June 25, 2011
Twelve years ago today I married the love of my life. God blessed me with a wonderful man who loved Him and was devoted to me. There were so very many good things I could say about Michael. He was good at everything he attempted. He was a man of integrity and you always knew that his yes was yes and his no was no. He was the hardest working man I knew. He was my life and I could have never imagined a life without him. All of my good memories started with him, and seem to have ended with him. He was the very best husband and father I have ever known.
I have really seen how very fragile life is how we really should live each day as the blessing it is, because our lives really are just a breath and then we are in eternity.
I see now how time is one of God's greatest gifts to us. I think this is why He tells us to not worry about tomorrow. When we waste our time worrying about what is not here we waste the time we have been given and once that time is gone, it is GONE, never can you get it back.
God is teaching me how to love and trust Him in all things. In the good and what seems to be bad. He is providing for me and the children and always making His goodness evident. So I will continue to speak to my heart and tell it to trust Him with what is left of my life.
When the lonileness starts to well over me and sadness begins to tighten it's grip around the pieces of my heart, I will cry to my sweet Saviour who keeps all my tears in a bottle and who promises to be near to me. And I will daily tell my needy sinful soul to wait on Him who is soverign, who holds my life and the lives of my children in His hand.
One day I will see happiness again and this pain will be a healed wound that will remind me of my God's unspeakable goodness and grace. So until that day I will wait and trust that He will keep me.
I have really seen how very fragile life is how we really should live each day as the blessing it is, because our lives really are just a breath and then we are in eternity.
I see now how time is one of God's greatest gifts to us. I think this is why He tells us to not worry about tomorrow. When we waste our time worrying about what is not here we waste the time we have been given and once that time is gone, it is GONE, never can you get it back.
God is teaching me how to love and trust Him in all things. In the good and what seems to be bad. He is providing for me and the children and always making His goodness evident. So I will continue to speak to my heart and tell it to trust Him with what is left of my life.
When the lonileness starts to well over me and sadness begins to tighten it's grip around the pieces of my heart, I will cry to my sweet Saviour who keeps all my tears in a bottle and who promises to be near to me. And I will daily tell my needy sinful soul to wait on Him who is soverign, who holds my life and the lives of my children in His hand.
One day I will see happiness again and this pain will be a healed wound that will remind me of my God's unspeakable goodness and grace. So until that day I will wait and trust that He will keep me.
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