August 26,2011

Jace has been asking alot lately about moving back to our old home.  I asked why he wanted to move back and he told me "even though dad is gone if we move back to our house and go back to our old school it will feel like our life is kinda like it used to be with dad".  As the mounting sadness began to flood over me I realized that Michael was not just my home he was also my children's home.  Our home was with him and this kind of severe devastation and great loss can only be healed by our great and ever able God.  He reminded me that Christ is my home.

"Christ is wisdom and He is our deepest need.  Our inner restlessness

can only be pacified by the revelation of His eternal friendship and love for us"

Margaret Bottome

"My home is God Himself. Christ brought me there. 

Self effort failed and I was filled with fear, and then

I found Christ was the only way, that I must come to Him

and in Him stay.  My home is God and sheltered there God meets

the trials of my earthly life, God compasses round from storm and strife

God takes the burden of my daily care. Oh wondrous place!

Oh Home divinely fair!"

Streams in the Desert pg 327

How wonderfully sweet and sufficient Christ is to fill all voids and meet all my needs.  The more I trust Him the more He proves Himself faithful.  The faster I run to Him the quicker He is to meet me.  His grace and love are never exhausted.  How comforting for my soul to know that He will never grow tired from my tears and His patience with me will never grow thin.  I will not wear Him out with my inabilities and great needs.  He has freed me from trying to find this comfort outside of Him.  Restoration and healing can only come from Him.  In not expecting this from others He has allowed to be blessed by the wonderful people He has placed in my life.  It never ceases to amaze me to see how beautifully orchestrated God has created the body of Christ to work.  How they weep with those who weep and come along side those who are weak and this was all designed by our great and compassionate God.  When I married Michael my biggest fear was losing him.  And then when he was diagnosed with high risk multiple myeloma my biggest fear was that when God took him home I would no longer love Christ because the anger and sadness would surely overwhelm me.  But nothing, no nothing can separate me from His love.  It is all Christ that keeps me fettered to Him and His grip on me can NEVER be severed. 

Oh the the keeping of Christ is so very great and perfect.

August 11, 2011

Yes my Saviour is keeping me.  My biggest fear when Michael passed away was that I would fall apart, away from God.  That I would sink and drown to the point of losing the ability to care for my children.  But no, He has promised that nothing no nothing could separate me from His love.  I have Christ, I am truly His, and His grip on me will never loosen.  What I do or don't do will never change who He is and what He has promised.  I may feel like my life is ruined and in shambles but I am His and He is mine.  I need not fear.
It has been almost 5 months now and I still miss my love more now than ever.  My mourning is still here, there are very few days of joy and many days filled with longing for heaven.  But in the midst of all these tears and sorrow my Saviour is with me holding me and keeping me.  What a wonderful God I serve full of loving kindness and grace. 
He continues to help me trust Him.  He does all the keeping.  My help comes from Him and Him alone.  What a wonderful comfort for my soul.

"He will feed his flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm

and carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those who are with young."

Isaiah 40:11

August 3, 2011

It has been 4 months now since my love has gone home.  The ever present longing to be united in heaven with Michael is still with me.  It sometimes floods over me till rivers of tears pour out.  But, oh the grace of my sweet Saviour is still ever present to calm my heart and reassure my torn and tattered soul.
What would I ever do with out my Lord.  What a sweet presence He has been in my life.  Such a testament of how true and unwavering His Word really is.
What a paradox of feelings exist within me.  Sometimes the anger and questions of why well up, but just as His Word promises, He reels me back into Him and floods me with His love and promises to keep me.
It is not me that is holding fast to Him, it is his grip on me that has kept me from falling into the deep deep ocean of grief.  What a wonderful God I have.  All good really is from Him.  He does all the work, even when my weak and frail heart fights Him, He, like a loving and devoted Father holds me tight and whispers of His unfailing love fill my soul.

"We are not taken up into conscious agreement with God's purpose, we are taken up

into God's purpose without any consciousness at all.  We have no conception of what

God is aiming at, and as we go on it gets more and more vague. God's aim looks

like missing the mark because we are too short sighted to see what He is aiming at.

At the beginning of our Christian life we have our own ideas as to what God's

purpose is and we go and do it and still the big compelling of God remains."

Oswald Chambers

June 28, 2011

"You will no more be afraid, you will sing His praise

in a better place.  A place that His hand has made."

Oswald Chambers

My God has created a new chapter in my life.  He has closed the old and what His hand has done no one can undo it.  I didn't choose this new life.  I don't know how to live it, how to be happy in it, or how to function in it.

The pain of missing my love sometimes seems to lessen and other times seems to overwhelm my frail soul.  Just to kiss and hug him one more time, to feel his strong hands on my back and hear his wonderful voice tell me he loves me and everything is going to be ok.

I long for the day that this painful ache won't be so painful anymore.

"They shall be My people and I will be their God, then I will give

them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the

good of them and their children after them.  And I will make an everlasting

covenant with them, that I will not turn away from doing them good;

but I will put My fear in their hearts so that they will not depart from me.

Yes, I will rejoice over them to do them good, and I will assuredly plant them

in this land, with all My heart and with all My soul.  For thus says the Lord:

Just as I have brought all this great calamity on this people, so I will bring on them

all the good that I have promised them."

Jeremiah 32:38-42

June 25, 2011

Twelve years ago today I married the love of my life.  God blessed me with a wonderful man who loved Him and was devoted to me.  There were so very many good things I could say about Michael.  He was good at everything he attempted. He was a man of integrity and you always knew that his yes was yes and his no was no.  He was the hardest working man I knew.  He was my life and I could have never imagined a life without him.  All of my good memories started with him, and seem to have ended with him.  He was the very best husband and father I have ever known.
I have really seen how very fragile life is how we really should live each day as the blessing it is, because our lives really are just a breath and then we are in eternity.
I see now how time is one of God's greatest gifts to us.  I think this is why He tells us to not worry about tomorrow.  When we waste our time worrying about what is not here we waste the time we have been given and once that time is gone, it is GONE, never can you get it back.
God is teaching me how to love and trust Him in all things.  In the good and what seems to be bad.  He is providing for me and the children and always making His goodness evident.  So I will continue to speak to my heart and tell it to trust Him with what is left of my life.
When the lonileness starts to well over me and sadness begins to tighten it's grip around the pieces of my heart, I will cry to my sweet Saviour who keeps all my tears in a bottle and who promises to be near to me.  And I will daily tell my needy sinful soul to wait on Him who is soverign, who holds my life and the lives of my children in His hand.
One day I will see happiness again and this pain will be a healed wound that will remind me of my God's unspeakable goodness and grace.  So until that day I will wait and trust that He will keep me.

June 11, 2011

God has poured grace upon grace once again.  He has provided a home for me and the children.
I had resolved myself to wait for God to provide the home He had for us, knowing that my time and God's time are hardly ever the same.  I hate to admit this but I thought "surely the good God has planned for me is not going to seem very good to me at the time.  I will either have to wait a very long time or the place He has for us will be a small cramped space that I will need to learn how to adjust to".  But God's good truly is GOOD.  He provided just what we needed and has given me the grace to not only be content with it, but to be over joyed and the attitude to say "How great and good my God is".  He blessed us even when my attitude would have warranted something much worse.
Now having said how very thankful and excited I am to be in our own home again, I am also apprehensive and scared that I won't be able to manage it properly.  What a heavy load I now bear by myself, now that my sweet love is gone.  I have 4 lives that I am solely responsible to raise and now a home and finances to take care of. 
I will take all of this to my heavenly Father whose promises are always true and He has never failed me nor will He ever forsake me. 

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light"

Matthew 11:28-30

In all of my years as a Christian, I have never had such a great need to take God at His Word.  My survival now hinges on resting on His Word.  Why did it take such great tragedy to bring me to this need and closeness?  A friend told me right after Michael passed away, when we go home, we will no longer ask why, but we will be able to say Oh that is why.

So I will continue to praise His goodness towards me always trusting His promises, relying on Christ to keep me from leaning on my own understanding.

June 6, 2011

Grief is my constant companion.  He goes with me wherever I go and is always careful to remind me that he is here.  Sometimes with little nudges and other times with loud screams that stab at what is left of my heart.  When I am at my worst I hear my Saviour calling me to stand, reminding me of His faithfulness.  So I will keep holding onto my Christ.  My Redeemer who shed His own blood for my soul.
I know and believe wholly and completely that God will bind up my broken heart and joy will come in the morning.

Hymn

Standing on the promises of Christ my King

Through eternal ages let his praises ring

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises that can not fail

When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail

By the living Word of God I shall prevail

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord

Bound to Him eternally by love's strong cord

Overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword

Standing on the promises of God

Standing on the promises I can not fail

Listening every moment to the Spirit's call

Resting in my Saviour as my all in all

Standing on the promises of God

It really amazes me how very comforting and real God has made His Word to me.  What a sweet treasure we have, forever etched on paper, always available to soothe, comfort, and equip.  How well our Maker knows our needs and how ever willing and able He is to meet them.

June 2,2011

Another month has passed.  It has only been 2 months since my loving God took Michael home and it feels like eternity. 
In my humanness I just don't see how my poor heart will ever be healed.  How this vast great void and massive hole will ever be filled.
I still miss him horribly. I still HATE that he is gone.
Oh this sea of sorrow is so great and wide.  There seems to be no end in sight.  There is always the constant motion of sadness.  Then there are the big waves that are so huge and threatening.  I sometimes fear they will swallow me up.  But my Christ never allows that.  They come, they wash over me, and then they go.  I so wish to reach the shore of this sea that is wearing the pieces of my broken heart and seeming to dry up my soul.
But I will continue to hope in my Saviour, the One who truly knows my pain and the depth of my grief.    My healing and restoration can only come from Him.  So I will continue to trust the One who is trustworthy.  May I always cling to my Rock.  For He is my fortress and strong tower.  He will provide my rest and comfort.  In Him is my fullness of life.
Oh grace upon grace wash over me and precious Saviour keep my eyes fixed on You.

May 16, 2011

These past days and weeks have been so very difficult.  I feel Michael's absence growing like a big black hole that follows me wherever I go.
I look around at my life and it is as though a fierce fire has forced it's way through and incinerated everything in it's path.  There are only 5 lives standing in a mound of ashes.  How do you ever rebuild a life out of ashes?  They are dust.
I will continue to stand in these ashes with my 4 precious children until my faithful God moves us forward.
Oh how I know He will provide the grace and strength to stand.  My mind tells me that one day I will rejoice again, but my heart is so tattered and broken. 
So thankful that I am bound to my Saviour, for He will never let me go.

May 9, 2011

Mitchie and Ava's birthdays have come and gone with Mother's day and Easter.  Our first celebrations without my love.  My heart still longs for him.

"Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. 

For our heart shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in

His holy name.  Let your mercy, O Lord, be upon us,

just as we hope in You."

Psalm 33:20-22

I will continue to trust in my God and His word always trusting that His will for me and the children is good.  In time, I believe that He will restore my joy and my broken heart. He will continue to provide the grace and strength to press on.

April 25, 2011

God's grace and peace are truly wonderful, so deep and so wide.  What a different and new life I live now.  One filled with so much sorrow and loneliness and yet so comforted and full of God's peace.  How sweet my Saviour is.  What a blessed thought that my love is seeing Christ and beholding His glorious beauty.

"Do not go to wine for comfort in the hour of depression.  Above all things,

dread the intoxicating cup in all it's forms.  You need not even appeal

to friends for consolation.  What do they know about your inner sorrow?

There are seas of suffering that a sufferer must navigate alone.

No other sail is in sight"

Charles Spurgeon

April 21, 2011

Yes my great God is sustaining me and carrying me.  I am not overtaken.  My heart is shattered into so many pieces it seems as if it will never be able to be put together again.  I woke up the other morning thinking Michael would be home that day.  Oh to see his sweet face again and tell him I love him one more time and hear him say how he loves me too.  The tears seem to never stop and the sadness never goes away.

"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth and called from it's farthest regions,

And said to you, You are my servant I have chosen you and have not cast you away;

Fear not, for I am with you Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen

you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand"

Isaiah 41:9-10

Restoration will come and my winter will turn to spring.  My hope is in Christ.

April 10, 2011

The loss is so very great.  The searing pain is horrific.  I miss him so much there are no words suitable to describe this feeling.  I miss the comfort of Michael.  I feel as if I have been bereft of all comfort and coziness of soul.

"Hear my cry O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I"

Psalm 61:1-2

April 15, 2011

Never did I think that emptiness could be such sadness, this emptiness that burns in my tattered heart.  My life and soul was so intertwined with Michael in ways I was never aware of.  He was flesh of my flesh, my beloved everything.  And I feel his absence in a great way.  I was numb these past few days.  Like the first few seconds after a bad burn, you are numb and then the stinging pain starts.  And oh how it hurts and burns my soul.

I will rest on my Redeemer.  He will heal my broken heart.  He will show me joy again.  I will continue to stand where I am and trust.

March 31, 2011

A day I will never forget.  A day that has burned a whole in my heart of hearts.  My beloved husband has gone home.  He is beholding the face of my sweet Saviour in no more pain and misery.  Oh how my heart is broken.

"You who have shown me great and severe troubles shall revive me again,

And bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my

greatness and comfort me on every side"

Psalm 71:20-21

Yes, today, Oh Father, You have comforted me on EVERY side.  So I will lay my head down tonight knowing how good and faithful You are.  I will continue to praise You.  Please keep me close, ever bound to You.

March 30, 2011

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth Thine own presence to cheer and to guide

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand besides"

 Great is Thy Faithfulness

Today is Wednesday.  Since Sunday Michael has been bed bound, hasn't eaten and is , for the most part, non-responsive.  He will answer you if you ask a question but he can't stay awake for longer than a minute or two.

I have been taking the kids to and from school the last two days, but I fear I can not do that now.  I don't want to leave his side.  Even thought he really isn't himself, I would rather him stay like this than leave forever.

Oh Father, please don't let sorrow engulf me like quick sand.  Please keep me from sinking.  Let me not be overwhelmed by grief so that others would see the greatness of Your sustaining grace.  Your grace that truly is more than enough.  Hide me in Your wings and cover me.  Never let bitterness or resentment have a foothold in my soul.  Keep me fettered to You.  Plant my feet firmly in the solid rock of my Saviour.  For I am weak and sinful, keep my heart from striving against Your will.

March 18, 2011

Why do I continue to struggle with fear of the future.  Which translates to my trust in God and in His provision for me and the children.  When I have moments where that fear begins to seep in slowly God reminds me of His character.  For He is unchangeable, not given to flightiness or emotional outburst.

"God is with the true, the just, the holy to deliver them; and He will deliver you. 

Remember how Daniel came our of the lion's den, and the three holy children out of

the furnace.  Yours is not so desperate a case as theirs but if it were, the Lord would

bear you through, and make you more than a conquerer.  Fear to fear.  Be afraid

to be afraid.  Your worst enemy is with in your own bosom.  Get to your knees and

cry for help, and then rise up saying I will trust and not be afraid."

Charles Spurgeon

March 16, 2011

The doctor came in this morning and said he would like to send Michael home tomorrow.  We prayed yesterday for God to ease Michael's pain that He would strengthen him to be able to go home.  Looking back at our very long stay in the hospital I am beyond amazed at His sustaining grace.  He has held me, loved me, carried me, and not only met all of my needs I thought I had but also needs, of greater importance, that I didn't know I had.
Why do I now sit here and feel that fear start to creep in while I begin to think of how we will adjust to this new life?  Has He not already proved faithful and more than able?  Have I not pledged my trust and confidence in His perfect will?  I hate the flesh and it's bent toward sin that I would question my loving God's care for me and His promises for me.

"Almighty God can make us stronger than our circumstances and can turn each

circumstance and turn each situation to our good.  In God's strength we can make

them all pay tribute to our soul.  We can even take the darkest disappointment

break it open and discover a precious jewel of grace inside.  When God gives us an iron

will, we can cut through the hardest soil.  As He has said "I will make you"

Streams in the Desert  pg 115

"A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoking flax, He will not quench. 

He will bring forth truth"

Isaiah 42:3   

March 9, 2011

My sweet Davis' birthday. What a wonderful blessing to have him for 5 years. Oh that he would know his Maker and love his Redeemer with every fiber of his being.

I have been learning that the most wonderful thing about God's care for us is not the care in itself, it is the way in which He cares for us. It is always the way that will bring Him most glory. It is intertwined with our good. What a great comfort to my needy heart. For this is why I was created, to glorify Him. Isn't it so true that when your eyes are intently focused on Christ there is a such a strange dimness to everything else.

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain you;
 He shall never permit the righteous to be moved" 
Psalm 55:22

How sweet His sustaining is!  For I don't deserve His mercy and grace.  The blood of Christ has saved me and made me clean.  I was a weak soul lacking in faith until God blessed me with burdens, cares, sickness and uncertainty.  For it was these cares, troubles and my husband's cancer that drove me to my God.  He changed my heart and made me His.  What a blessed thought that this wretch of a sinner will one day be in eternity with Christ beholding His glory free from all sin and worry!

March 6, 2011

All last night and this morning I struggled with the fact that I might be left alone once again in this world, just like my past.  This feeling of having to fend for myself crept back.  No real home to call my home and no real protector.  Defenseless once again, but this time it is much deeper and wider because I am now responsible for 4 precious children.  A mother of 4 with no means to support them, feed them, house them, clothe them.  All of the basic needs a child has, I have no apparent way to meet those needs.  If I was to get a job who would watch them, how could I ever make enough money to provide for them with no real skill?  The demand and needs are soo great and I am soo deficient!  It began to overwhelm me and push me into a pit of despair.  All the while I would remind myself "no, Christ is the prize, seek first His kingdom, God's love is so vast that He sent His Son to die for me", but that pit still grew and grew.

And then, Oh my precious Redeemer, my One true Friend comforted my whithered desperate soul!

. . . In Thee the fatherless findeth mercy  Hosea 14:3

"This is an excellent reason for casting away all other confidences
and relying upon the Lord alone.  When a child is left without it's natural
protector, Our God steps in and becomes his guardian. 
So also when a man has lost every object of dependence
he may cast himself upon the living God and find all that he needs. 
 The writer of these pages knows what it is to hang on the bare arm
of God and he bears his willing witness that no trust is so well
 warranted by facts, or so sure to be rewarded by results, as trust
in the invisible but ever living God" 

Charles Spurgeon

I was flooded with my Saviour's peace and once again felt His hand on my chest calming my soul.  How wonderful and great He is.  There just doesn't seem to be the right words to adequately describe His worth.  No word holds enough weight to describe His overwhelming care and love for His people.

Why would He save such a wretch?  Once again I questioned His care for me and the children.  As if He were not able and willing to provide!