It's been along time since I've been able to sit down and write about what my heart has been going through. Now that the time has passed I wish I would have pushed through the mud and recorded how God has been faithful to sustain me.
It has been 9 months now since Michael has gone home. Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. I went through all of the motions that the holidays bring all the while with Michael's absence lingering around never letting my heart and mind forget that I am without.
I decided to have my wedding ring and engagement ring separated so that I could wear them individually. The site of them both on my finger started to become a constant reminder that I am no longer "Michael's wife". I feel as if I lost so much of my identity. I still haven't really figured out who this new person is. The only part of me that remains is "child of God" and "mother of 4". So I'm going to focus on those. I have start to ask God to really let me enjoy every moment of the children's little lives. Because never again will Jace be 10, Ava 7, Davis 5, and Mitchie 3.
How amazingly loving and sovereign God is. He has forged a love affair with me and has answered my prayer that I prayed incessantly in the hospital all those nights with Michael. "Lord hold me tight, keep me tethered to your grace, never let me go."
He has done this. His keeping is so wonderfully sweet and gentle. I see God's healing now. I am not completely healed (not sure if I ever will be), but my heart is mending. I've tried to find the right words to describe what this healing of a broken heart looks like or even feels like, but I can't. Just like when my sweet Saviour was with me while my world was slipping away He is now mending my tattered heart. Even though my missing him and love for him hasn't diminished at all, the feelings of sadness and despair are not as strong as before. This is amazing grace!!!
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